A Place for Joy

“i start to melt
with my arms, round your waist
and my mouth, starts to spell
and the words, saying its, ok”

~ Peter Bjorn and John ~

You may not be here, but you are in my midst. It is not just a lamp, it is my mom shining the path in my living room. The clock dongs and I snuggle deeper into my comforter thinking of the days when I awoke to that sound. When I strip the bed of its sheets, I smile about Saturdays and dropping the sheets on dad’s head. And that big tower that stands in Paris, of which Mike says I have too many of, means more than the metal and the lights that twinkle on its surface. When I eat ice cream, I think of all the nights when we took a break from studying to scoop the cold goodness into our bowls. I saw a million people on my trip that looked just like my sister – talking and smiling just like she does. The photo of you carrying my train of my dress reminds me of when I did that for you. When I watch the men run around in tight spandex chasing a brown ball, I think of all the times on grandma’s couch surrounded by these people that you love and you love the way only family can.

I am so far from so many of you. You and I do not get to interact on a daily basis. But you are all a part of who I am and I am always thinking of you. And the things I treasure only mean something because they are connected to my memories and my life with each of you. How did I get all of this? How did I get all of you? How could I feel anything but like the greatest person in the world because I am surrounded by such greatness? And I do not mean “great” in any reference to power but instead in regards to the potential to live life fully, with meaning and grace. I learned those things from all of you and the impressions you have on me. I still am not sure how to appreciate all of it. Maybe someday I will figure it out.  

“Dear Baby, I hope someday somebody wants to hold you

for 20 minutes straight.

All they do is wrap you up in their arms without an ounce of selfishness to it.”

~ The movie, Waitress ~

How do you let people know how much you love them? How, that without them, you might fall apart? How, without them, your life would not hold so much meaning? How, without them, you are sure you would laugh less and never cry tears of joy? How do you tell them that you want to embrace them for hours, not letting them go until you both know how much it means…?

I think for one of the first times in my life, I let myself just be. I worked hard to get all the things done that needed to be done and I simply let myself feel and be with other people. I feel like I was so present. I hugged, smiled and felt so much more than I ever have.

Have you ever stood in a room and not felt like the center of attention but felt, instead, like you floated on an aura of love? The day is so much more than the love between two people. It is about all the love and connections you have with all the people dearest to you in the whole world. Do you know how powerful that is? All of the sudden, all the meaning in your life is in one place. And, I will tell you at that moment, you know God exists.  

“To see a world in a grain of sand. And a heaven in a wild flower,

hold infinity in the palm of your hand and eternity in an hour.”

~ William Blake ~

I have a lot of feelings right now, much of which I cannot articulate. You look to something and plan for a while and then it shows up and all the sudden, you have no idea how to feel. You try to hold onto the moment but also wait with bated breath for it to arrive. It is like driving over a large hill and at the peak, you know what you will see and you are so thrilled to get the chance to see it. I just hope I do a couple of things – kiss Mike with the love I feel towards him, stop with the details and hug the people that matter, thank everyone for coming, have a big piece of cake, dance my tail off and in some form or another express my extreme gratitude to everyone. You know, I never wanted to forget the world. I never really want to escape from all of it. Sometimes I have the desire to stop and look around but I never want to lose my awareness – I might miss something valuable. And on a day pretty soon, I will be asked to perceive a lot and for that, I am so grateful to be aware and feel and be intense. I want to feel everything in the moment and relish the truth behind it…I am making a sacred commitment. I will then celebrate that commitment with the people I love. What more could you ask for?  

“STOP WAR”

~ on a stop sign on my daily walk to work ~

The truth is – we do not even know how lucky we are. I sat in a 3-day session about teaching students. I dialogued and reflected with other intellectual people about how we can be creative and push our students to learn. You see, in most cases, students are very self-focused. They have to be to get their work done and learn, not succumbing to the many distractions our world has to offer. Distractions like iPods, Facebook, My Space, IM, cell phones, text messaging, the internet. I am sure there are more. But doesn’t this seem all backward? Should our students not be concerned about poverty, violence, war, people not receiving health care, homelessness, people with disabilities, oppression, the environment…? I want to push them to think about the other, moving beyond themselves. In health care, this is a must. You put yourself second to help others. You use your gifts to facilitate healing. So, it seems that students pursuing health care education should get that. Of course some do and some do not. The key is being able to push them to think beyond themselves to the other, the world and how together, we can create a system of goodness. I have a lot of hope for the future. I know we are trying to make a difference with our students who, if the light comes on, will spur on to the future generations. I know we can do it. Materialism is an easy escape and leads to denial of the other and people get caught up on building their own fort. They forget if they help their neighbor and their neighbor helps their neighbor, then that makes the whole neighborhood a better place to be. It is all about choices. I choose to push others to see beyond themselves and to ignite a fire in them that becomes a torch of goodness to pass on. Somehow, it seems eventually, we can make the world a better place.  

“So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then they seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable.”

~ Christopher Reeve ~

I am in my car, pavement draining behind me as I move into the blue sky. A man with a Middle Eastern accent talks about the bullets of American troops that have left holes in his home. An elderly woman talks about the simple life on the farm as a child during the Great Depression and her words echo a gratefulness to have always had food because she lived on a farm rather than in the city. A small redheaded boy shares about how he has to sit alone in the cafeteria at school because none of the other kids find him worthy enough to sit by them. A woman in Chicago discusses how she started gardens in her ghetto because she got sick of looking at the trash and how now all the neighborhood kids help out. As the words of their daily life filter into my ears, I find myself confined in the car. I want to pull over and change the world. I ask myself – what can I do? What am I doing to make this place better? There are things I can do everyday – how do I make sure I do not get lost in my own world and realize the bigger world out there? Recently, there has been a lot of me-focus. It can be so easy when people are giving you gifts and celebrating you to forget about the bullets, the trash, the bullying, and the fortune of having food in my pantry. I am in a time when I am celebrating my life and love – but I do not want to forget that the world is so much bigger than me. And as the world swirls by and swishes away in busyness, I am grateful for the small moments of quiet, the stories of others and the love of those around me to remind me that the world still spins with its challenges and beauty…and I am still here to impact that world, to be the change, to fulfill my vocation. Thank you, God, for the reminder… 

“Tis the most tender part of love, each other to forgive.”

~ John Sheffield ~

I do not have any answers. Sometimes I question why I am here and what I am even doing. It is fairly easy to hurt people. Of course, it can be fairly easy to love them if they let you. You know what I would do if I had any answers for the way we are supposed to live and what we are supposed to do? I would make sure no one ever hurts and that even if I said or did something, he or she would know that I did not mean it – I was just reacting to a situation of feeling trapped or insufficient or something else not so fun.

The coolest thing I have ever done is be able to love people and I think it is the only thing I am really good at. I am even good at loving people I do not know, perhaps, better because I am more controlled. This love for others and wanting the world to be a better place drives me. It keeps me going and gives me meaning and purpose. Sure, there are times when all seems hopeless but I cannot stop loving – I cannot believe that the love ever stops despite wavers and questions and concerns – those always melt away into love. I may say I am mad as hell at a person but that is ridiculous – hell is eternal and I only stay mad for maybe 20 minutes. I feel a lot. Sometimes it drives me crazy. But when you can get mad, you can also love with a strong intensity so that the other people never question – no matter how bad it gets – that you love them. And somehow deep down I always know…that is why I am here.

“Always do what you are afraid to do.”

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson ~

I stood on the edge of the red cliff. The rock beneath me felt like a million pieces of sand held together by a glue stick. I looked down at the water that had caressed the stone into the deep gully. My hair whipped towards the places the wind would rather be and I dug myself farther into my fleece hoodie. Somehow in the vastness of this sacred place, all I could think about was you.

I walked, completely unaware of my surroundings, lost in all the things I had not yet gotten done. I neglected the sun and the blue sky looking down at the gray sidewalk as I focused on my objectives. The red can of some sort of Sunkist lay twisted, flattened by some unknown experience in the middle of the grayness of the pavement. I looked up at the sky and I smiled, thinking of you.

Behind the wheel with my music louder than it should be, maneuvering through traffic, focused on getting to the next place I need to go. Robert Smith’s voice cries of his desire to feel close to the woman of his life. All I can think of…is you.

I never wanted it to be this way – for you to get under my skin, leak into my veins and somehow find a home in my heart. I cannot go through a day without thinking of you – smiling at memories or constantly reminded of you in little ways throughout my day. I fought it and denied it and now I cannot do anything because I am not me without you. Admitting that is so frightening, more frightening than anything else I have ever known. But I cannot tell a lie…it is the most truth I have ever known as well. I seriously look at you and think you are the most beautiful I have ever seen. But thank God for all of this…because your presence is the constant reminder that life is more than me and more than a job and more than the daily grind. Life is love and pain and fear and laughter and beauty and elements that words fail to describe. Since I have known you, I have never felt more. I am a fuller person because of you. I am not sure if people complete one another – but I am now sure that they make each other better. Thank you for all that you are. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to love you all the rest of the days of my life. It is the best gift I have ever been given.